At the last Players' show of 2005, Andy was the man who uses a peacock feather to sniff the seals on packets of ham from Bognor Regis for an astronaut.
On Sunday December 18th, Paul was the man who pours tinsel resin into the mould to make nosepads for Ghandi's X - Ray glasses.
...and a merry Saturnalia to all our reades.
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On Sunday December 11th, Paul was the man who uses a whip on the monkeys who type Dante's Inferno on Semtex typewriters in Tamworth.
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On Sunday December 4th, Andy was the man who collects farts from Trevor the goldfish with a string vest to fill the bubble in minute spirit levels.
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On Sunday November 27th, Lee was the man who takes the underwear from Lenin's preserved body and uses it to polish the shells of turtles in Southport Zoo.
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On Sumday November 20th, Neil was the man who winches Christopher Biggins' empty oxygen cylinders down from the summit of Mount Everest during Duvalli.
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On Sunday November 13th, Neil was the man who stuffs Otters with olives and wraps them in shrink wrap for Robert Kilroy Silk at Ferrero Rocher.
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At the 20th Anniversary Show on October 30th 2005, Richard was the man who uses a saxaphone to check the one way mirrors in Yeti Unisex hair salons in the whole of the Andes.
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On Sunday October 23rd, Paul used holes in Swiss Cheese to make the steering wheel for the moon rover in Guatemala on his birthday.
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On Sunday October 16th, Neil was the man who designs sock shapes with a hoe for Volvo on Maunday Thursday.
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On Sunday October 9th, Steve Steen was the man who massges beer into Kobi beef cattle with a chainsaw while listening to PJ and Duncan.
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On Sunday October 2nd, Andy was the man who signs for the short haired Yak grromer - who grooms with a grater - on Sundays in Brentford.
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On Sunday September 25th, Andy was the man who winds down the net at Wimbledon with a Muppet puppet while riding a goat and being watched by Cliff Richard.
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On Sunday September 18th, Richard was the man who uses a rabbit to harvest cherubs for flossing on Thursdays in Basingstoke.
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On Sunday September 4th, Richard was the man who chases a turkey so that it will do a sexy dance and turn on the computer keyboard in Dagenham, Madagascar.
As you can see, the list comes to an abrupt halt on Wednesday June 15th.
Without warning. Right out of the blue. It just stops.
Why?
Because I have been bunking off and will continue to do so until September. So.
Enjoy the break.
Let the summer drift by in a haze of picnics and Pimms and we can all meet back here again in the autumn.
Time to dust down the barbecue.
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On Wednesday June 15th, Neil was the man who uses his imagination to put the silverr thread in Scottish Pound notes.
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On Sunday June 12th, Neil was the man who uses an 8" chisel to carve "D" on the Prozac strength Disprin tablets in a greenhouse in Peru.
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On Wednesday June 8th, Richard was the blower upper who takes the air from vacuum flasks to blow up bubbles in bubble wrap that iss used to wrap Hawaian penguins in Greenland.
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On Sunday June 5th, Richard was the man who uses the DuoDecimal - (although we pronounced it DuiDecimal which is wrong but sounds better ) - system to forecast wet sleet in Cromarty for the shipping forecast on Radio 4.
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On Wednesday June 1st, Andy was the man who twirls piglets' tails with a cricket bat in New Zealand for Elton John.
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On Sunday 29tht May, Neil was the man who uses a cappuccino machine to check that the barrel of Black Eyed Beans really have Black Eyes in a church in Istanbul.
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On Wednesday May 25th, Stephen Frost was the man from forensics who scrapes the gum from under the tables in Wimpy Bars and analyses the smell for the Womens' Institute.
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On Sunday May 22nd, Paul was the left wing artist who writes on the motorway bridges over the M69 with a human hair brush.
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On Sunday May 15th, Steve Steen was the clown dominatrix for Fozzie the Bear who grooms the Queen's corgis in Baltimore.
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On Sunday May 8th ( the day before Jim went to Venice), Richard was the man who licks the top of the Queen's bun to attach sesame seeds for the blue vein cheeseburgers ( vein inserted by Bill Clinton)
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On Wednesday April 27th, Andy was the man who uses a herring to carves names on the tombstones in St Ermintrude's Church graveyard in Bognor Regis.
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On Sunday April 17th, Lee was the man who made the eye testing chart - first line T - O - N - Y - and it is made from Emmental cheese.
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On Sunday April 10th ( Lizzlie Day), Paul was the man who cleans the dinosaur bones at the Natural History Museum with a yellow featgher that is used to turn a normal penguin into an Emperor penguin.
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On Wednesday April 6th, Neil was the man who puts the bubbles in lemonade using monkey bollocks.
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On Sunday April 3rd, Richard was the man who tests the temperature of the Aldershot volcano - minus 5 degrees celsius - with a Pope soap on a rope.
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On Wednesday March 30th, Stephen Frost was the man who paints hundreds and thousands with a screwdriver for the Government on Pancake Day.
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On Sunday Masrch 27th, Lee was the man who uses a garden hoe to cut the pink and yellow squares form cakes to make a Battenberg cake for Lisa Minelli.
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On Wednesday March 23rd, Neil was the man who mgnetises magnets with an aerosol can to stuff microscopic duvets for Google.
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On Sunday March 20th, Steve Steen was the man who glued the ostrich feathers on Black Beauty to pess it off as Pagasus at the Royal Wedding.
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On Wednesday March 16th, Stephen Frost was the man with a lisp who wears Michael Flatley's G string and turns the London Eye with a courgette and a whip.
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On Sunday March 13th, Niall Ashdown was the man who uses a hammer to peel the pickled onions from pint size jars of Michael Jackson's " Kiddie Pickles" .
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On Wednesday March 9th, Steve Steen was the man who counts the bacteria in a probiotic capsule with a massive abacus while wearing a fez in Moscow.
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On Sunday March 6th, Lee was the man who polishes the squirrels who live in Bonsai trees and trains them th collect hair from overcoats to make eyebrow wigs.
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On Wednesday March 2nd, Andy was the man who trains badgers to put the grooves in the Popemobile tyres on February 29th in Bognor Regis.
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On Sunday February 27th, Richard was the man who plays the musical interlude - composed by Richard Stilgoe - on the Linguaphone Spanish tapes.
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On Wednesday February 16th, Andy was the man who made Shagamon - the Pokemon character who can blow bubbles out of its arse and is dreseed in stilton and flippers.
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On Sunday February 13th, Stephen Frost was the quality control inspector for the World Champion's Ice Dancing skating boots that are used to scrape barnacles from submarines.
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On Wednesday February 9th, Neil was the man who identifies dangerous bends with a stethoscope and chisel on the A5 in Basildon.
On Sunday February 6th, Andy was the fog inspector at the Ikea factory who wears the ring of power and uses Thor's hammer.
...and we returned to our normal service on Wednesday February 2nd when Stephen Frost was the man who tests the Swaledale Black Ram sheep dip in Somerset, New Zealand with a spatula.
On Sunday January 16th, Lee was the man who makes the rabbit that is used to test the stickiness of envelope glue.
On Wednesday January 12th, Richard was the man who makes the thick thread - from pubic coral - that is used to darn the torn seats on British Rail trains.
On Sunday January 9th, Josie was the person who takes the triangles from under plane wheels before take off and delivers them to pool tabless in pibs.
On Wdnesday January 5th, Richard was the emergency mime who trains dolphins to attach limpet mines to enemy ships.
At the first Players gig of 2005....er....ok...usually I type it in as soon as I get home but....well...I didn't and.....wait a minute....yes!.....it was.....no....no it wasn't....basically I cannot remember but it had something to do with Christmas Eve,
Click for
* Who Were They in 2004? *
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